Blogan

I live in a a bad part of town in a city with a bad reputation, a place commonly referred to as Bogan Logan.For those of you who don't know a bogan is the Australian stereotype similar to America's rednecks or Europe's Irish.

Lately the city has been trying to shake itself of this bogan slogan with extensive advertising campaigns listing the wonde

rful things to see in the city. They are off to a bad start when they listed the IKEA shopping facility in the top 5.

There is no real denying that this city is an unsavoury sort of place but many proud citizens are outraged (strangely) at being called uncultured, white-trash, inbred yokels . These people immediately give themselves away as what I like to call closet bogans.

Complete bogans aren't offended because either they don't 

realise they are being insulted or because they don't read the newspaper or understand fully what the colourful pictures on the TV mean. People who know they aren't bogans aren't offended because they would have noticed that the insults aren't directed towards them.

The only people who care are those with the inflated sense of self-worth. They try to pretend to disguise the facts that they aren't bogans by buying trendy clothes and eating exotic foods. What they fail to realise is that 'boganitis' isn't always a result of financial circumstances. However, a misunderstanding of nearly everything around them is always a symptom.

Here is a short list of things closet bogans do to give themselves away:

• Buying a food product because it contains two or more adjectives and thinking they are fancy, when in fact they are getting something ordinary. Example: Bechamel Beef lasagne, Bechamel being the white sauce that is always in lasagne and beef being the most common meat used. You are just buying frozen lasagne, you aren't having authentic Italian food for dinner.
  
• Eating what is commonly considered a fancy food in a uncultured manner. Example: Buying prosciutto, mispronouncing it and asking for it thickly cut of course, and then eating it on some sort of cracker or in a sandwich.
  
• Faking British accents, slipping in out of various regions of the UK more often than a backpacker on crack with a severed head in his bag. Whatever the fuck that means. 
• Making a point of the fact that they don't live in the city centre, but in the outlying suburbs closer to far more fancy and definitely not bogan cites like the Gold Cost or Brisbane, as that definitely makes a huge difference.

To help you ignorant foreigners I have made a map to illustrate the geography of the region.

Legend: 

• Red - Bogans (I live here)
  
• Blue - Closet Bogans 
  
• Dark Green - Trees (or might as well be)
  
• Light Green - Farms, seriously
  
• Yellow - Country Bumpkins
  
• Orange - Reformed Bogans
  
• Pink - City Dwelling Cunts (Yahtzee lives here)
  
• Cyan - Boat owning assholes.
  
• Navy Blue - Surfing fags
  
• Purple - "Let's pretend we live on the Gold Coast" Land.
  

I hope this helps you all feel enlightened.